An Important Decision For My Life

I can hardly believe I did it. For that matter, I can hardly believe that I'm going to blog about it. Add to that, I'm pleasantly shocked that I'm finally entering this stage of my life.

I spent some time today on the website: www.mytimetoquit.com. And I'm thinking about it. Nonna (Jeremy's step-mom, that's what the kids call her...) and I are smoking buddies. We've both been talking about quitting, but we haven't done anything about it. Well, let me back up on that. Since I've gotten married, I've gone from smoking a whole pack a day to smoking only a half a pack a day. That's something. She doesn't smoke before going to work, and usually has her first one at work around 9am. She got tired of smelling like a bar after leaving the smokers' break room at her work, so she's stopped smoking at work. That means she doesn't smoke until about 3pm. That's a bigger step than I have made, but I'm thinking on it.

I did try to quit before the wedding. Work stress was terrible, and almost everyone there smoked. Even "non-smokers" smoked at that place. It was next to impossible for me not to smoke at work. And if I didn't smoke, I ended up not getting a break at all. That sucked. For a few days there, it was a terrible struggle. Plus, if I was having a weak moment, someone was always there to offer me one. On top of that, at the time, I had the wedding stress and the stress of moving again piled on me.

The withdrawal symtoms that I went through were:
- Irritability. That goes without saying. I get ill even when I'm not trying to quit if it's "time" for a cigarette. But when I was trying to quit, it was significantly worse. People could just look at me the wrong way and I'd go off the deep end. It was worse than PMS. But worse than that...
- Overwhelming sadness and a feeling of punishment. I was at Fiance's house (before we were married) and I washing up dishes that we had received at our bridal shower. It was late, and I was tired. Once I finished the dishes, I sat down and just started crying. Poor Hubby. He couldn't imagine what he had done to make me cry. In fact, he had done nothing. through my tears, I realized something profound. Most of the cigarettes I smoke, I use as a reward - self gratification, if you will. This is even more true now that I've cut back to a half a pack a day. Very few of the cigarettes are smoke are "recreational." And what was happening to me when I tried to quit was that my reward system was gone. I felt like I was being punished. Like what I was doing wasn't good enough because there was no reward waiting on me. And I just cried. And maybe, I was mourning the loss of a "friend." I have a group of friends I keep close, but they're not with me all the time. My cigarettes are. Not having them to lean on, made me sad.

Maybe there were more withdrawal symptoms, but those were the ones that I remember the msot. Which is just enough to make me not want to quit again. However, I think that I crossed a milestone in just admitting those things to myself.

I can come up with a long list of reasons not to quit. I don't want to go through the sadness again. With what will I reward myself instead? I don't want to be that ill. I like cigarettes. I like my "break times." What will I do with do instead? I'm afraid of getting fat again. People gain wait when they quit smoking. I worked really hard to loose that 100 pounds, and I've gained 20 pounds of it back already. I don't want to gain another 20 by quitting smoking.

The list of reasons I need to quit. A girl, a former smoker, was very blunt with me a few weeks ago. She said, "They control you." I wanted to say, "No they don't." But I couldn't because I knew she was right. I don't want to be controlled by anything, much less cigarettes. I would like to save money. And what better way to do it? The government keeps taxing them. Every few months they get a few cents more expensive. the Wal-Mart gas stations are the cheapest places to buy them The cost there recently went up from $4.36 to $4.63. That's a $0.27 increase, and they had only been as expensive as $4.36 since April or May. If I smoke a half a pack a day, I'd save roughly $70 just by not smoking. That alone is reason enough to quit. I have more important reasons than that though. I have a husband who loves me very much. I love him too. And let's face it... there are certain health risk factors from smoking. He's been begging me to quit so that he doesn't have to lose me prematurely. At first I had the attitude that I would never get sick from cigarettes. But that's naive. It's not fair of me to do that to him. And... obviously to me either. This is the first time I've really admitted to myself how bad they are. Wow. I think I'm having a break through here.

On the website, it had a list of smoking triggers. I checked all but two of them. Here are mine: drinking coffee, drinking adult beverages (which I don't do anymore, but when I did...), talking on the phone, after meals, after arguments and/or when under stress, smoking with friends, and while in the car. According to them, most of these are behavioral habits more than the addiction itself. So, I have to change my habits. If I want to quit, I have to come up with a plan. The plan will include a quitting date, and an action plan for what to do in those trigger situations. For instance, my first cigarette of the day is in the mornings when Hubby leaves for work. I take my first cup of yummy, steamy coffee, my book of the week, my phone, and my cigarettes outside to the front porch with me when he leaves. I light up while Hubby is backing out of the drive way, I wave by to him, sip my coffee and read a few pages of my book. I could still take my coffee and book out there and enjoy my morning. I could just do it without the cigarette. I'm gonna have to come up with a way to reward myself after household tasks, find something to do with my hands while I'm on the phone, and find something besides chocolate to partake in after meals. It may take me a while to get this all put together. And once I do, I'll announce my quit date. I look for it to be way sooner than later.

Here's what I'll need from you. Support. But not nagging. And in my own little World of Stacy here, giving me words of support seems like nagging. I'd rather you not say anything about it at all unless you see me having a "nic fit." And then all you need to say "You're having a nic fit and you don't need to blame it on me." Well, for now that's what I think I need. Once I do it, I may sing a different song. I am also going to rope Nonna into quitting with me. She's about the only smoking buddy I have left, so if we quit together, that will help more than anything I think.