Up In Smoke

As you could probably tell from my blog yesterday, I was beginning to have serious doubts about Mr. Big. Keep in mind that he hasn't really given me any reason whatsoever to doubt him, but it became painfully obvious that I had some serious issues that I was going to have to confront. Last night was the time. Just two days ago, Brother had told me not to throw Ex's crap off on the new guy. Easier said than done really. Yesterday, Mr. Big didn't call me all day - he's been calling once in the morning, once at lunch, and then coming to see me after he got off work. I was really freaking out because that is exactly what I had dealt with for four out of the five months that Ex and I dated. When he did call me yesterday at 4, he had just picked up 2 of kids; the night before his little boy (who is almost 3) saw his cousin's cowboy boots and cried because he didn't have any. So Daddy was going to take him to get some cowboy boots. How sweet is that? Anyhow, he asked if I missed him and then apologized for not calling. He said that he had left his phone in his truck and then had ridden with a guy from work to the job they were doing. I totally accepted that until I was on the phone with Cousin and repeated it to her. It was then that I was reminded of always explaining to my friends and family Ex's new excuse of the day. Big told me that if the timing worked out, he would come see me later on that night. I was freaking out for the rest of the day. I was excited that he was coming over, but a thousand things were swirling through my head. Keep in mind that I had totally convinced myself that he is nothing but a player, and all of a sudden I was freaking out about how his visit might go. He called me around 7:30, he was taking his kids to see his parents. I could hear his little boy in the back seat saying "I got some boots." Adorable. That was the phone call that made me see Mr. Big in a different way. We had a very serious conversation which confronted one of his issues. The Big Player was gone and the Seriously Big showed up. It was comforting really. The actual issue is a Big issue, so to speak, but it's an issue that I'll keep to myself. Anyhow, we talked through the issue - bless his heart, he was stuttering and stammering and was so nervous - but then he was at his parent's house so we hung up. He was still planning on coming over after he dropped the kids off with their mom.

So then I called Cousin to tell her about the deep discussion we just had. And before I knew it, I was uncontrollably mad at Ex. Why this hasn't already happened, I don't know. But I was screaming and yelling and all of a sudden I was venting every frustration that I've had with him for the past year. She told me that someone once told her husband that when you're carrying around that much baggage for one person, there was a simple way to release it. Write the person a letter, and just say everything that you've ever wanted to say to them. Imagine that they're sitting in front of you bound and gagged, and can't interrupt you, and just stinkin' unload on them. Then, count to ten, and strike a match to the letter. As you watch it burn, release everything in the letter and let it go. So I hung up the phone, found some paper and a pen and did just that. Just as I was about to get started on it, Mr. Big called to tell me that he wasn't going to make it because his kids were spending the night with him. I was a little disappointed (all of my anxiety over his visit had subsided during our earlier conversation), but I was glad that I could get to work on that letter. I was afraid it might turn in to a 20 page ordeal, but I did it in three pages, front and back. I'll leave those details out too for the most part - otherwise the "let it go" theory would be blown, but I did include that it was one thing for him to screw me over so badly while we were dating, but it adds a whole new level of mad for me when I think about how now it's screwing me over with the new guy. How dare he? Anyways, as soon as I finished, Roommate got home and we went outside and set fire to it. We watched it burn while we smoked a cigarette. It was awesome. I couldn't stop smiling. It was weird though - it didn't burn up completely. There was still a clump of paper left in the driveway. We tried to set fire to it again, but it wouldn't burn. For a second I had a panic attack, "What does it mean if it doesn't completely burn up?" Roommate was awesome, "Nothing." Basically, it was just a pile of ashes though, so I kicked my foot through it a couple of times and scattered it to pieces. That was more fun than watching it burn. I haven't looked this morning, but I'm pretty sure that the near-tornado we had later on last night took care of what was left of it. The best part about that whole thing is that I could actually feel the release of my anger and my hurt. It floated up with the smoke and scattered with the ashes. After a week of sleepless nights, I finally got a good night's sleep.

This morning before 8 o'clock, Mr. Big made his "Good morning, Sunshine" phone call. This time, the twinge in the back of my mind was gone. No "player" undertones there, just a wonderful start to my day.